Dear friends and family-
Another speck of light has stopped shining. I stop to wonder for a moment how it is that millions of lights in this world manage to continue on so ambitiously, as if in defiance to the cruelty of the loss of this particularly important one. One small light that, in its absence, seems to outweigh all the others. My heart continues to beat with a stoic appreciation for the gravity of the night's event and I wonder what to do with myself now that my world is shades dimmer. I can't continue on as if before, because nothing seems so urgent anymore. But stopping will only fill me with emptiness. I let myself appreciate that there are sad stories and happy ones. And realize that I am lucky that my life is filled with both types, in abundance. I think about what it means to miss, and wonder whether I can do it joyously. I strive to achieve new levels of strength with each tragedy, so that these things sting more sweetly when they come and do not leave me crippled in their wake.
Bethany has passed away.
Bethany was a girl with long soft hair, a delicate frame and a pretty face. She moved from Michigan to DC in 2005 to work for PCRM. We were instantly colleagues and friends. I invited her out for food and laughed as she ordered french fries and a coke in lue of the more eclectic vegan options on the menu, for which I had selected the restaurant. She was a lifelong animal advocate and compassionate consumer. Her demeanor was quiet and soft, like her hair. But she was an incredible force for good. She never hesitated when it came to volunteering extra hours to benefit the movement, even after she was employed in it full time, even after she took leave to combat her illness. She organized and inspired other volunteers as well. Everyone who met her loved her instantly. She was the utmost embodiment of a good human being.
In June of 2008, Bethany was diagnosed with a rare form of angiosarcoma blood cancer. When she gave me the news, she suggested that I didn't do too much research on it. Her survival rate was less than 20%. I felt my heart disintegrate. I had no strength then and wondered how I would ever have enough to face today. I can't even imagine how she felt. She did an amazing job of maintaining her composure and optimism and quickly went from being the softest to the strongest person I had ever met.
My love and condolences to those of you blessed with the opportunity to have known her. You are in my thoughts.
Love,
Melissa
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Random Law School Update 20
Last Locations:
The Yucatan: Tulum, Mexico, Isla Mujeres, Mexico
Arrival Date: January 4, 2011
Departure Date: January 8, 2011
Washington, DC
Arrival Date: January 8, 2011
Departure Date: January 10, 2011
Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Arrival Date: January 10, 2011
Departure Date: January 15, 2011
Next Location: Washington, DC
Arrival Date: January 15, 2011
Departure Date: Unknown
I’ve contemplated the concept of home for a long time. At one point, I had to decide whether my answer to the question “Where are you from?” would be Arizona or DC. I could alternatively answer that I am from the United States or, as some backpacker-types do, that I am from the planet earth. I could take the perspective that home is where I started or that it is wherever I ended up…that year, that month, that moment.
Home is more than place. Home includes relationships, material comforts and familiarity. Jon feels like home. Comfortable hotel rooms often feel like home. Doing things I am familiar with, like school, the gym and travel, also provide me with a sense of home.
When I feel empty, lonely, distraught or disconnected, I seek out these homes fervently. I look to my closest friends, or Tucson, the library or, if I’m travelling, a clean bed and warm shower. Sometimes just a clean bathroom with free toilet paper will produce the feeling of home. Sometimes all of these things combined will not.
My sense of home sometimes teeters on the verge of collapse. When I move. When school ends, even just for the semester. When I lose a really good friend, to death or disagreement. When I force myself to confront an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation.
I think this concept of home is at the root of most, if not all, human journeys, ambitions and struggles. It is what we seek when we look for a life partner, family, best friends, hobbies, community, a good job or a nice house. It is also what those with no such desires seek. There is a way to find home within oneself. To become like a tortoise, carrying it around wherever one goes. That is what the nomad or the hermit seeks. And it is what I now seek. Not to become entirely independent of the other homes in my life, but to be able to produce the feeling of home within myself when my other homes are temporarily unavailable.
I think I have made a step in the direction of that goal on this trip. I found myself taking comfort in my well-practiced ability to transport, feed, entertain and shelter myself on a tight budget. I found home in my backpack, small and containing all of the tools I need to travel, indefinitely. I discovered little pieces of home in each traveler and friend who I met along the way. I found it in the sun and warm sand, which made me feel complete and safe standing alone, barely clothed. I found it in my camera and in my photos. And in the pages of a novel, which reminded me that there are other stories like mine, other characters whose thoughts are not unlike my own.
I left that to return to DC, where I thought I would feel even more at home. I instead found myself momentarily entrapped by cold white dorm room walls and a sharp chill of nostalgia for several months spent immersed in that room pushing my brain to the limits of its competence. I left for Salt Lake City 36 hours later.
The flight into Salt Lake City today was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. The clouds covered the earth below, cut the blue sky like an exaggerated cartoon drawing and then, unexpectedly opened up to reveal how close my plane was to the towering and austere mountains below.
On Saturday, my hometown achieved national attention when Congresswoman Giffords and 18 others were shot at a Safeway across the street from where my aunt works. Six of the 19 victims have been declared dead, including a 9-year-old girl. It is all over the news.
Love,
Melissa
The Yucatan: Tulum, Mexico, Isla Mujeres, Mexico
Arrival Date: January 4, 2011
Departure Date: January 8, 2011
Washington, DC
Arrival Date: January 8, 2011
Departure Date: January 10, 2011
Current Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Arrival Date: January 10, 2011
Departure Date: January 15, 2011
Next Location: Washington, DC
Arrival Date: January 15, 2011
Departure Date: Unknown
I’ve contemplated the concept of home for a long time. At one point, I had to decide whether my answer to the question “Where are you from?” would be Arizona or DC. I could alternatively answer that I am from the United States or, as some backpacker-types do, that I am from the planet earth. I could take the perspective that home is where I started or that it is wherever I ended up…that year, that month, that moment.
Home is more than place. Home includes relationships, material comforts and familiarity. Jon feels like home. Comfortable hotel rooms often feel like home. Doing things I am familiar with, like school, the gym and travel, also provide me with a sense of home.
When I feel empty, lonely, distraught or disconnected, I seek out these homes fervently. I look to my closest friends, or Tucson, the library or, if I’m travelling, a clean bed and warm shower. Sometimes just a clean bathroom with free toilet paper will produce the feeling of home. Sometimes all of these things combined will not.
My sense of home sometimes teeters on the verge of collapse. When I move. When school ends, even just for the semester. When I lose a really good friend, to death or disagreement. When I force myself to confront an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation.
I think this concept of home is at the root of most, if not all, human journeys, ambitions and struggles. It is what we seek when we look for a life partner, family, best friends, hobbies, community, a good job or a nice house. It is also what those with no such desires seek. There is a way to find home within oneself. To become like a tortoise, carrying it around wherever one goes. That is what the nomad or the hermit seeks. And it is what I now seek. Not to become entirely independent of the other homes in my life, but to be able to produce the feeling of home within myself when my other homes are temporarily unavailable.
I think I have made a step in the direction of that goal on this trip. I found myself taking comfort in my well-practiced ability to transport, feed, entertain and shelter myself on a tight budget. I found home in my backpack, small and containing all of the tools I need to travel, indefinitely. I discovered little pieces of home in each traveler and friend who I met along the way. I found it in the sun and warm sand, which made me feel complete and safe standing alone, barely clothed. I found it in my camera and in my photos. And in the pages of a novel, which reminded me that there are other stories like mine, other characters whose thoughts are not unlike my own.
I left that to return to DC, where I thought I would feel even more at home. I instead found myself momentarily entrapped by cold white dorm room walls and a sharp chill of nostalgia for several months spent immersed in that room pushing my brain to the limits of its competence. I left for Salt Lake City 36 hours later.
The flight into Salt Lake City today was one of the most beautiful things I have ever experienced. The clouds covered the earth below, cut the blue sky like an exaggerated cartoon drawing and then, unexpectedly opened up to reveal how close my plane was to the towering and austere mountains below.
On Saturday, my hometown achieved national attention when Congresswoman Giffords and 18 others were shot at a Safeway across the street from where my aunt works. Six of the 19 victims have been declared dead, including a 9-year-old girl. It is all over the news.
Love,
Melissa
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Random Law School Update 19
Last Locations: Tucson, AZ
Arrival Date: December 24, 2010
Departure Date: December 30, 2010
Current Location: Belize City, Belize; Caye Calker, Belize; San Pedro, Belize
Arrival Date: December 30, 2010
Departure Date: Unknown
Next Location: Unknown
I just got to Belize two nights ago and am not feeling nearly sentimental enough to write all about the resolutions I've achieved in the last year. It is new here and very much unlike anywhere I've been in the last 12 months. I am disinclined to think about the past or to anticipate the future. I just am. Traveling again. Right now feels really good.
I rarely make specific New Years resolutions. I am not sure that I will this year. In the last several months, I have gotten over my debilitating fear of needles, have adopted a near-macrobiotic diet, have cooked every day (except while traveling), have quit my addiction to sugar, and have strengthened many of my human relationships. I am pretty excited about these ones and will continue them in 2011. I regularly come up with other things to improve upon, but it takes almost as much effort to articulate what these things are as it does to just make the improvement. So, here's to that. Happy New Years!
Love,
Melissa
Arrival Date: December 24, 2010
Departure Date: December 30, 2010
Current Location: Belize City, Belize; Caye Calker, Belize; San Pedro, Belize
Arrival Date: December 30, 2010
Departure Date: Unknown
Next Location: Unknown
I just got to Belize two nights ago and am not feeling nearly sentimental enough to write all about the resolutions I've achieved in the last year. It is new here and very much unlike anywhere I've been in the last 12 months. I am disinclined to think about the past or to anticipate the future. I just am. Traveling again. Right now feels really good.
I rarely make specific New Years resolutions. I am not sure that I will this year. In the last several months, I have gotten over my debilitating fear of needles, have adopted a near-macrobiotic diet, have cooked every day (except while traveling), have quit my addiction to sugar, and have strengthened many of my human relationships. I am pretty excited about these ones and will continue them in 2011. I regularly come up with other things to improve upon, but it takes almost as much effort to articulate what these things are as it does to just make the improvement. So, here's to that. Happy New Years!
Love,
Melissa
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Random Law School Update 18
Location: Washington, DC
I want to start by shamelessly congratulating myself for getting through finals. I feel pretty badass right now. People rarely describe law school as being badass. But let me tell you. Law school is the epitome of badass. The problem is that law students tend not to sell it right, probably in part because you cant really talk about law school to non-law school people without seeming nerdy or square, the opposite of badass. If you chop a brick with your forehead, you look badass. If you jump a 6-foot ditch, you look badass. If you dive off a cliff with just a squirrel suit on you look badass. If you scale a 12-story building without rope, people will definitely think that you’re badass. Law school is just like all of these things. It is nerve-wracking, adrenaline-pumping, really difficult, scary as f*ck, and a little bit stupid. But no one thinks of writing a 17-page essay response to 8 pages worth of riddle-like fact patterns based on 700 pages of dense readings under intense time constrains as badass. But, it is. And I can tell you, there are people here, at my school, in my classes who write 27 page responses in 3 hours AND get it all right. And yes, those people are badass. And while I am obligated to despise them for their curve-setting ways, I can’t help but appreciate their badassness. Go you.
I’ve mentioned this before. Law school, school in general, inspires me a lot. Something about forcing my brain to absorb a lot of dense subject matter makes it all the more thirsty for the lighter stuff. The more intense law school gets, the more I find myself conducting meta-analyzes of life, being, existing, loving, hating, wanting, growing, searching, finding, and thinking in general. That, and a lot of pleasant pithy things.
In the middle of studying, I thought it would be a nice idea to keep track of all the little things that go through my mind while I study for finals. My note reads:
“Random notes finals Fall 2010: 1. Law school is hard.”
And then I realized that writing random notes is distracting and decided not to write anymore notes until finals ended. Which describes a tragic paradox. The deeper into law school I get, the more crazy, random, brilliant thoughts my brain uncovers. At the same time, the deeper I get into law school, the less time I can justify to spend writing them down. So my most interesting wonderful epiphanic thoughts are left to come and go. Never to be recorded or reflected upon to their full potential. There is always the promise that I will write them all down after finals. But, my post-finals brain is useless for anything. Despite having a list of about 26 things that I had planned to do this week, I woke up this morning (read 12:30pm) wondering what in the world I am supposed to be doing. I proceeded to get on facebook and read status updates. (Turns out that was actually one of the things on my list.)
I had a million other things to say, but, I have forgotten most of them and have to go focus on celebrating now anyways. Ah, and I just remembered that I have been looking forward to reading and replying to your emails in response to my last two updates. This I will do very soon.
Love,
Melissa
I want to start by shamelessly congratulating myself for getting through finals. I feel pretty badass right now. People rarely describe law school as being badass. But let me tell you. Law school is the epitome of badass. The problem is that law students tend not to sell it right, probably in part because you cant really talk about law school to non-law school people without seeming nerdy or square, the opposite of badass. If you chop a brick with your forehead, you look badass. If you jump a 6-foot ditch, you look badass. If you dive off a cliff with just a squirrel suit on you look badass. If you scale a 12-story building without rope, people will definitely think that you’re badass. Law school is just like all of these things. It is nerve-wracking, adrenaline-pumping, really difficult, scary as f*ck, and a little bit stupid. But no one thinks of writing a 17-page essay response to 8 pages worth of riddle-like fact patterns based on 700 pages of dense readings under intense time constrains as badass. But, it is. And I can tell you, there are people here, at my school, in my classes who write 27 page responses in 3 hours AND get it all right. And yes, those people are badass. And while I am obligated to despise them for their curve-setting ways, I can’t help but appreciate their badassness. Go you.
I’ve mentioned this before. Law school, school in general, inspires me a lot. Something about forcing my brain to absorb a lot of dense subject matter makes it all the more thirsty for the lighter stuff. The more intense law school gets, the more I find myself conducting meta-analyzes of life, being, existing, loving, hating, wanting, growing, searching, finding, and thinking in general. That, and a lot of pleasant pithy things.
In the middle of studying, I thought it would be a nice idea to keep track of all the little things that go through my mind while I study for finals. My note reads:
“Random notes finals Fall 2010: 1. Law school is hard.”
And then I realized that writing random notes is distracting and decided not to write anymore notes until finals ended. Which describes a tragic paradox. The deeper into law school I get, the more crazy, random, brilliant thoughts my brain uncovers. At the same time, the deeper I get into law school, the less time I can justify to spend writing them down. So my most interesting wonderful epiphanic thoughts are left to come and go. Never to be recorded or reflected upon to their full potential. There is always the promise that I will write them all down after finals. But, my post-finals brain is useless for anything. Despite having a list of about 26 things that I had planned to do this week, I woke up this morning (read 12:30pm) wondering what in the world I am supposed to be doing. I proceeded to get on facebook and read status updates. (Turns out that was actually one of the things on my list.)
I had a million other things to say, but, I have forgotten most of them and have to go focus on celebrating now anyways. Ah, and I just remembered that I have been looking forward to reading and replying to your emails in response to my last two updates. This I will do very soon.
Love,
Melissa
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Random Law School Update 17
Location: Washington, DC
I ate just the right amount. I floated home from dinner tonight on a cloud of delicious veganfood endorphins and found myself contemplating all the things that I am grateful for in my life. Moments later I thought how contrived it was to think of all the things I am thankful for, on Thanksgiving Day. But the truth is that I contemplate the things I am grateful for quite often. Usually more than once a day. So the fact that this set happened to hit me right after an incredible vegan Thanksgiving meal with friends was just about as natural as can be. I can't say the same thing about writing an email about it, except that I needed to write an email today anyways to remind you all that 1. my birthday is Sunday, and 2. you have not yet bought me a gift, and 3. it is ok because I have a perfect gift idea that requires next to no effort. Go to: http://birthdays.causes.com/wishes/100106 and donate to my birthday wish on behalf of Compassion Over Killing. COK is likely the most effective advocacy group in the world in terms of its cost-to-compassion ratio and is a group very close to my heart. Donate token amounts of $1 to $5 just to let me know that you are thinking of me. Or if you happen to be very wealthy, donate token amounts of $1,000 to $5,000, even if you don't think of me much at all. I promise it is a worthwhile cause.
Ok. Back to the things I am grateful for...
First: My new diet. Tonight's feeling of pure satisfaction unaccompanied by an underlying desire to purge the contents of my stomach and to start again may be a Thanksgiving first. It feels great. Eating macrobiotically has done wonders for my discipline around food. I eat slowly now and realize when I am full before I start to overeat. I approach sugar skeptically and don't pile on salt like I used to. I can eat very large servings of food and I dont have to keep track of calories, or nutritional content for that matter. I don't have to worry about my weight fluctuating, even during finals. I build muscle quicker than ever and my flexibility has increased exponentially. And (drumroll...) I am learning how to cook. I haven't counted but, I have probably cooked myself over 45 meals since the beginning of the semester. I am pretty sure that this is more meals than I have otherwise cooked in the last five years combined. I can't say I like cooking yet, or that I am particularly good at it. But I do it and even my omnivorous friends come back for more. So, thank you macro diet.
Second: Self-growth. About 18 months ago, I remember thinking that I didn't have enough epiphanies in my life. I flew through, across, around the world absorbing infinite amounts of appreciation and perspective, constantly wrapping information and experiences around myself, ever-growing like a rubber-band ball of knowledge. What I didn't do much was to break myself apart at my cracks so that I could locate my weaknesses and put my pieces back together again in a more seamless condition. I approached life as if my identity was a given and my challenge was to help the world to conform to my idiosyncrasies. Law school, losing Meghan, being diagnosed with a serious medical condition, and feeling lost without the ability to communicate myself to a once close friend have violently shaken this perspective. I am reminded that my identity isn't static. It took me a lot of effort to become who I am today. Every so often, I go through phases of self-development during which I task myself with various ways to improve as a human being. The tasks may be as small a thing as not biting my nails, sending random thank you notes to friends, keeping a regular email update, going to the gym every day; or as big as going vegan, developing a logically consistent moral philosophy, or learning to carry myself with confidence - even when I don't feel so confident. I am in one of these phases now. I feel as if I have spent the last few years wrapping myself in a cozy cocoon of personal acceptance, and am now faced with the the task of emerging from it a butterfly. It is at first unpleasant, like getting out of a heated car on a cold ski day. But once you get to the top of the mountain, you recall how good it feels to be fully engaged with your environment. I am grateful, if not for their happening, at least for the effect of certain recent events that have conspired to force me out of my cocoon. I am grateful to be reminded of how amazing it feels to fly.
Third: People, friends. It occurred to me that it is getting late and I won't be able to finish this email because I have dedicated the rest of the weekend to studying diligently and to celebrating various friends' engagements, birthdays, and arrivals. However, you have all been amazing. Thank you for sharing your stories with me and for caring about mine. And I want to thank Jon in particular for being an indescribably incredible friend and for being able to understand the depth of my gratitude despite my inability to articulate it. And my parents for supporting me in every path I've ever sought to pave. And a handful of friends who don't get these updates yet, but who might read this on my blog in the future and realize that I am speaking now about you. Yes you, current-friend, future-blog-reader. Did we hang out around the week of November 21st, 2010? Did you make me smile? If so, I am thankful for you too.
Love,
Melissa
I ate just the right amount. I floated home from dinner tonight on a cloud of delicious veganfood endorphins and found myself contemplating all the things that I am grateful for in my life. Moments later I thought how contrived it was to think of all the things I am thankful for, on Thanksgiving Day. But the truth is that I contemplate the things I am grateful for quite often. Usually more than once a day. So the fact that this set happened to hit me right after an incredible vegan Thanksgiving meal with friends was just about as natural as can be. I can't say the same thing about writing an email about it, except that I needed to write an email today anyways to remind you all that 1. my birthday is Sunday, and 2. you have not yet bought me a gift, and 3. it is ok because I have a perfect gift idea that requires next to no effort. Go to: http://birthdays.causes.com/wishes/100106 and donate to my birthday wish on behalf of Compassion Over Killing. COK is likely the most effective advocacy group in the world in terms of its cost-to-compassion ratio and is a group very close to my heart. Donate token amounts of $1 to $5 just to let me know that you are thinking of me. Or if you happen to be very wealthy, donate token amounts of $1,000 to $5,000, even if you don't think of me much at all. I promise it is a worthwhile cause.
Ok. Back to the things I am grateful for...
First: My new diet. Tonight's feeling of pure satisfaction unaccompanied by an underlying desire to purge the contents of my stomach and to start again may be a Thanksgiving first. It feels great. Eating macrobiotically has done wonders for my discipline around food. I eat slowly now and realize when I am full before I start to overeat. I approach sugar skeptically and don't pile on salt like I used to. I can eat very large servings of food and I dont have to keep track of calories, or nutritional content for that matter. I don't have to worry about my weight fluctuating, even during finals. I build muscle quicker than ever and my flexibility has increased exponentially. And (drumroll...) I am learning how to cook. I haven't counted but, I have probably cooked myself over 45 meals since the beginning of the semester. I am pretty sure that this is more meals than I have otherwise cooked in the last five years combined. I can't say I like cooking yet, or that I am particularly good at it. But I do it and even my omnivorous friends come back for more. So, thank you macro diet.
Second: Self-growth. About 18 months ago, I remember thinking that I didn't have enough epiphanies in my life. I flew through, across, around the world absorbing infinite amounts of appreciation and perspective, constantly wrapping information and experiences around myself, ever-growing like a rubber-band ball of knowledge. What I didn't do much was to break myself apart at my cracks so that I could locate my weaknesses and put my pieces back together again in a more seamless condition. I approached life as if my identity was a given and my challenge was to help the world to conform to my idiosyncrasies. Law school, losing Meghan, being diagnosed with a serious medical condition, and feeling lost without the ability to communicate myself to a once close friend have violently shaken this perspective. I am reminded that my identity isn't static. It took me a lot of effort to become who I am today. Every so often, I go through phases of self-development during which I task myself with various ways to improve as a human being. The tasks may be as small a thing as not biting my nails, sending random thank you notes to friends, keeping a regular email update, going to the gym every day; or as big as going vegan, developing a logically consistent moral philosophy, or learning to carry myself with confidence - even when I don't feel so confident. I am in one of these phases now. I feel as if I have spent the last few years wrapping myself in a cozy cocoon of personal acceptance, and am now faced with the the task of emerging from it a butterfly. It is at first unpleasant, like getting out of a heated car on a cold ski day. But once you get to the top of the mountain, you recall how good it feels to be fully engaged with your environment. I am grateful, if not for their happening, at least for the effect of certain recent events that have conspired to force me out of my cocoon. I am grateful to be reminded of how amazing it feels to fly.
Third: People, friends. It occurred to me that it is getting late and I won't be able to finish this email because I have dedicated the rest of the weekend to studying diligently and to celebrating various friends' engagements, birthdays, and arrivals. However, you have all been amazing. Thank you for sharing your stories with me and for caring about mine. And I want to thank Jon in particular for being an indescribably incredible friend and for being able to understand the depth of my gratitude despite my inability to articulate it. And my parents for supporting me in every path I've ever sought to pave. And a handful of friends who don't get these updates yet, but who might read this on my blog in the future and realize that I am speaking now about you. Yes you, current-friend, future-blog-reader. Did we hang out around the week of November 21st, 2010? Did you make me smile? If so, I am thankful for you too.
Love,
Melissa
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Random Law School Update 16
Location: Washington, DC
My gratitude to all of you for your kind emails and interest in continuing to receive updates. I was really inspired by the amount of supportive responses. I have always been very self-critical and self-conscious of my writing, but this particular project means more to me than my insecurities. Each day validates the pricelessness of the human connections within my life and the incredible importance of keeping those connections as close to me as possible, which takes an additional effort in the absence of physical proximity. I believe that the best human relationships grow out of an attempt to understand another person and to help them to understand me so that, through each other, we come to understand ourselves and our existance better. This email, and your replies, are part of that process.
I have a theory that my outside reality is a product of my internal imagination. I have another theory that a physical reality exists independent of myself but that my mind retains significant power over it, or at least over my position with respect to it.
My life, as I imagine everyone's, is comprised of an infinite set of what appear to be causal interactions and if-then conditionals. An event leads to a choice which leads to a decision which creates an event that leads to more choice. And we follow these paths that exist only in the present and past, such that we dont really follow paths at all. Rather, we create paths through our reality using the tools we were endowed with or acquired along the way.
Every so often, my world is shattered. Even my most realistic expectations are disappointed, circumstance trumps communication, and I am forced to enter negotiations between my inner and outer realities. Such that, perhaps the two aren't the same at all. But then, it turns out that these world shattering explosions are really fireworks in disguise, and they illuminate the next step which satisfies my present and inspires my future. And somehow, between all the explosions and fireworks, my life continues in the exact direction that I would have had it go in had I been empowered to dictate my path from the beginning. And I again start to wonder whether I dreamed up this reality of mine after all.
This is all to say that, it has been a really exciting semester. In (future) retrospect I suspect that it may be one of the most exciting semesters of my life. Though, in present perspective it is hard to get past the fact that at any given moment I should be spending more time diligently studying for exams and maybe less time indulging in the glorious peaks and vallies of being in my 20s. Then again, I would make an argument, inspired by my tax class, that the time-value-of-youth likely exceeds the opportunity cost of a few hours of missed study time. I suspect that the lessons to be learned from youth will carry at least as much weight for my future as those from my classes. And so I indulge.
Love,
Melissa
My gratitude to all of you for your kind emails and interest in continuing to receive updates. I was really inspired by the amount of supportive responses. I have always been very self-critical and self-conscious of my writing, but this particular project means more to me than my insecurities. Each day validates the pricelessness of the human connections within my life and the incredible importance of keeping those connections as close to me as possible, which takes an additional effort in the absence of physical proximity. I believe that the best human relationships grow out of an attempt to understand another person and to help them to understand me so that, through each other, we come to understand ourselves and our existance better. This email, and your replies, are part of that process.
I have a theory that my outside reality is a product of my internal imagination. I have another theory that a physical reality exists independent of myself but that my mind retains significant power over it, or at least over my position with respect to it.
My life, as I imagine everyone's, is comprised of an infinite set of what appear to be causal interactions and if-then conditionals. An event leads to a choice which leads to a decision which creates an event that leads to more choice. And we follow these paths that exist only in the present and past, such that we dont really follow paths at all. Rather, we create paths through our reality using the tools we were endowed with or acquired along the way.
Every so often, my world is shattered. Even my most realistic expectations are disappointed, circumstance trumps communication, and I am forced to enter negotiations between my inner and outer realities. Such that, perhaps the two aren't the same at all. But then, it turns out that these world shattering explosions are really fireworks in disguise, and they illuminate the next step which satisfies my present and inspires my future. And somehow, between all the explosions and fireworks, my life continues in the exact direction that I would have had it go in had I been empowered to dictate my path from the beginning. And I again start to wonder whether I dreamed up this reality of mine after all.
This is all to say that, it has been a really exciting semester. In (future) retrospect I suspect that it may be one of the most exciting semesters of my life. Though, in present perspective it is hard to get past the fact that at any given moment I should be spending more time diligently studying for exams and maybe less time indulging in the glorious peaks and vallies of being in my 20s. Then again, I would make an argument, inspired by my tax class, that the time-value-of-youth likely exceeds the opportunity cost of a few hours of missed study time. I suspect that the lessons to be learned from youth will carry at least as much weight for my future as those from my classes. And so I indulge.
Love,
Melissa
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Random Law School Update 15
Location: Washington, DC
I would title this update "hope" but I worry that it sounds too dramatic. Maybe a better noun would be "optimism" or "excitement"... It is possible that we have found a route to remission from my ITP. Thanks to the theories of my mom and Jon's mom, Kathy, I went in for a special breath test for h. pylori, a bacterium that is known to be associated with my condition but was for whatever reason dismissed by my doctor. Turns out that I am positive for it which means that there is a possibility that my condition will improve if I am able to kill the h. pylori through a two-week intensive course of antibiotics and "acid suppressant". As I tend to be emotionally sensitive to new chemicals, Jon has flown to DC to help me cope with any adverse side effects. I feel happy.
The semester is going by amazingly fast. The last few weeks have been packed with excitement, heartbreak, distraction, clarity, happiness and youthful moments. I have been basking in epiphanies and pushing myself in all the right ways. I could go on for days about so many millions of pretty little things I think about, but this email is not the forum, and I must allocate my analytical efforts with law school in mind.
Which leads me to the next note. While my life in law school is as interesting to me as it ever was traveling, it doesn't lend itself as well to dissemination in email. As such, I am going to slenderize the list of people who I continue to update. I will continue to send updates to members of my family, close friends, and to anyone who has expressed interest in, or commented on my updates in the past. I will let the rest go for now. If you aren't sure whether you fall into one of the categories above and don't want to be let go, please send me an email. Otherwise, I will use my best judgement.
As always you can keep up with my updates at: randomtravelupdates.blogspot.com. And my photos on: picasaweb.google.com/a.melissa.meyer.
Love,
Melissa
I would title this update "hope" but I worry that it sounds too dramatic. Maybe a better noun would be "optimism" or "excitement"... It is possible that we have found a route to remission from my ITP. Thanks to the theories of my mom and Jon's mom, Kathy, I went in for a special breath test for h. pylori, a bacterium that is known to be associated with my condition but was for whatever reason dismissed by my doctor. Turns out that I am positive for it which means that there is a possibility that my condition will improve if I am able to kill the h. pylori through a two-week intensive course of antibiotics and "acid suppressant". As I tend to be emotionally sensitive to new chemicals, Jon has flown to DC to help me cope with any adverse side effects. I feel happy.
The semester is going by amazingly fast. The last few weeks have been packed with excitement, heartbreak, distraction, clarity, happiness and youthful moments. I have been basking in epiphanies and pushing myself in all the right ways. I could go on for days about so many millions of pretty little things I think about, but this email is not the forum, and I must allocate my analytical efforts with law school in mind.
Which leads me to the next note. While my life in law school is as interesting to me as it ever was traveling, it doesn't lend itself as well to dissemination in email. As such, I am going to slenderize the list of people who I continue to update. I will continue to send updates to members of my family, close friends, and to anyone who has expressed interest in, or commented on my updates in the past. I will let the rest go for now. If you aren't sure whether you fall into one of the categories above and don't want to be let go, please send me an email. Otherwise, I will use my best judgement.
As always you can keep up with my updates at: randomtravelupdates.blogspot.com. And my photos on: picasaweb.google.com/a.melissa.meyer.
Love,
Melissa
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